Odditivity
by CloudStryfe
Summary: Hi, you may know me from the stories "The Strifes and the Wallaces" series. This story (Odditivity) is all about Cid, because he is unused in my series. So, this is for all the Cid lovers!


Odditivity  
Hey, author here. You may remember me from my series, "The Strifes and the Wallaces". Anyways, this story you're about to read has nothing to do with the show I just mentioned, it is merely something I felt like writing, so I hope you enjoy this little fic!  
  
Note- Just so you know, I am NOT homophobic and I have no relations with people who are homophobes. Just so you know, I think it's wrong to kill and/or beat up people just because of their sexual preference. If anything, this fic should disregard you from doing it. And if you are homophobic FF7 fan, do not beat up homosexuals, just imagine Cid...would you beat up Cid?  
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Cid and Vincent walked down the side of the road. Today was the annual hot dog eating festival at "Wiener Land". Wiener Land was Cid and Vincent's favorite fast food place/kid's activity center.  
As they were walking, Cid bumped into someone and fell right on his ass. When he looked up he was shocked to see...BUM BUM BUM...Sephiroth! Sephiroth turned around holding two sticks of butter and licking them. He looked down at Cid. Cid looked up at him. It was love at first sight.  
Vincent held out his hand to help Cid up, as did Sephiroth. He took Sephiroth's hand, of course, and was lifted up quickly. They instantly started kissing. Vincent covered his eyes and ran off crying.  
They eventually stopped and Sephiroth looked into his eyes and said,"I love you".  
Cid looked back at him lustfully and responded thusly,"I love you too Sephiroth..."  
They were about to kiss again when...  
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"AHHHHHHHHH!!! JESUS CHRIST!", Cid yelled out while in his bed. He ran into the bathroom and brushed his teeth over and over. He splashed water in his face and Shera came up behind him. "What's wrong honey?", she asked.  
Cid dried his face off on a towel and looked at Shera,"I had the worst dream in my whole life!". Shera looked at him sympathetically,"Aww...what was it about?".  
He seemed hesitant to tell her at first but then realized that she was his wife and would love him no matter what. "Well, me and Vincent were going to this one fast food place called Wiener Land and I accidently bumped into Sephiroth. I fell down and he helped me up......then....we kissed!"  
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SLAM! Cid knocked on the door,"It was just a stupid dream! Lemme back in!". "NO! Why don't you go to Sephiroth's house and ask HIM to let you sleep in his room!", Shera yelled back.  
Cid stopped knocking for a moment. "Umm...Sephiroth is dead, and he had no house in the first place."  
"Well, I guess you'll just have to sleep on the couch then!", Shera yelled. Cid whined,"COME ON! Our couch is made of reinforced titanium! It's really uncomfortable!"  
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"Damn Shera, why'd I marry her in the first place? I hated her in the video game!", Cid said, talking to himself. "Well I'm the author, and I say yer married to her!", I said in his head.  
"Well, your just a dumb $%*&^!", Cid yelled to me outloud. "Yeah, well, I can make you bald if I wanted. Or I can turn you into a woman! So don't piss me off!"  
Cid grumbled incoherently, I simply ignored him. Eventually he fell into a dreamless sleep.  
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The next morning Cid got up off the couch. His back felt like a son a bitch, as he would put it. Shera came out of the room, with an empty box of tissues in hand and a cell phone, she walked into the back yard. Cid slowly tip-toed into the room. All over the floor there were tissues and the TV was still on. Cid plowed through a bunch of snot crusted tissues and shut off the TV. He walked back toward the door,"If I didn't know what was actually going on in here, I'd think somebody did a LOT of masturbating."  
After he had plowed through the tissues, he noticed something written on the floor in red writing. It stated,"Cid is gay, must die!". Cid looked toward the camera,"I'm more concerned about the gay part."  
When he looked up toward the door, he saw Shera, holding a butcher's knife while chanting,"Cid gay, must die...Cid gay, must die!"  
Cid quickly got up and held out his arms,"WHOA WHOA WHOA! Calm down, Shera!". Cid ran and opened up his bedroom window,"HELP! HELP!".  
Shera glared at Cid,"Why don't you run to Wiener Land with your lover, Sephiroth!". Cid yelled at Shera,"It was just a dream! A very bad dream! Get over it, Shera!"  
She then threw the knife and it hit the wall near Cid's head. Cid looked to the knife, then back at Shera,"...Okay...uhh...bye! AHHHHHH!!!!!".  
Cid ran out screaming out of Rocket Town while everyone got out of their homes and stared at him. One of their neighbors went over to their other neighbors and whispered to them,"Is that the homosexual that Shera told us about?"  
"Yeah, looks like it."  
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Cid ran and ran, all the way to Nibelheim, where Cloud was currently living. He stopped a moment to catch his breath while leaning against that one broken down truck.  
Once he was re-energized, he headed toward Cloud's house. Along the way, people were whispering and staring at him. He reached Cloud's house rather quickly and rang the door bell a few times. It took a minute but Cloud came and opened the door. He seemed to be a little shocked at Cid's sudden appearance. "Hey Cloud, can I come in?", Cid asked.  
Cloud still looked confused, then he made way for Cid. "Uhh....sure, I guess.". Cid walked right in and sat on the couch in the living room. "Hey Cloud," he started "can I have some coffee, make it Irish."  
Cloud nodded, though still shocked and confused. He walked into the kitchen and put some coffee beans in the coffee machine, while Cid remininced on what had just happend.  
The events that had happend early that day to him sank in and he called out to Cloud,"Actually, forget the coffee...just gimme some Bourbon."  
Without saying anything, Cloud opened his liqour cabinent and poured Cid a cup of Bourbon. He poured himself some Zima.  
He came over to Cid and set the glass in front of him on a coffee table. Cloud sat opposite of Cid and they both just stared at each other. Cid sipped some of his beverage, Cloud just kept on staring at Cid.  
Eventually, Cloud decided to say what was on his mind,"Soooo....ummm....I uhh....hear you're uhh....gay."  
Cid spit out his Bourbon all over Cloud's face,"WHAT?! That damn Shera called told you I was gay?!".  
Cloud nodded,"No, she told everyone in Nibelheim, and Mideel, and Wutai and every other city we know of."  
Cloud wiped the saliva/alcohol off of his face. Cid shook his head,"I'm not gay, Cloud. You see, I just had this dream where I kissed Sephiroth..."  
Cloud nodded, like he understood. "Well Cid, there's nothing wrong with being a homosexual."  
Cid leapt up,"I'M NOT GAY! IT WAS JUST A VERY BAD DREAM!". Cloud got up and looked out the window. "I guess you're right, I mean, we've all had a dream about kissing Sephiroth...some more than others."  
"What the &^$*! izzat supposed to mean?", Cid yelled at Cloud. "Nothing, I'm just saying. Barret had a dream about kissing Sephiroth once. So did Vincent. And Red as well. I guess we're all still wearing off from the whole Sephiroth fiasco, eh?"  
Cid laughed a little,"Fiasco? We almost died!". Cloud shrugged,"Well, it was a fiasco to me."  
"I don't even think you know what it means.", Cid commented.  
"Yes I do..."  
"Okay, what does it mean then?"  
"............I........can't explain it."  
"HA! I knew you didn't know what it meant!"  
"Alright, you explain it then, Cid."  
"Easy! Well, uhh......to put it frankly, it means.....ahhh.....crap...."  
"Tch...I knew you couldn't........WHAT THE?!"  
Cloud looked out the window and saw an angry mob of people carrying torches and pitchforks and wielding signs that said things like "Gay Cid...MUST DIE NOW!". Shera seemed to be leading the mob and asking people where Cid had gone. They all pointed to Cloud's house.  
He saw them closing in,"Uhh...Cid? Did Shera by any chance...get a weeee bit angry about your dream?"  
"Are you kidding? The woman tried to kill me!", Cid responded. Cloud opened the blinds a bit more so Cid could see the mob. He dropped his glass of Bourbon. "Oh JESUS! CLOUD! You gotta hide me!", Cid said quietly while shaking Cloud.  
Cloud nodded,"I got a secret door in the extra room upstairs. It's the farthest room to the left, you can't miss it."  
Cid let Cloud go and dashed upstairs. He headed to the farthest room on the left. He shoved the door open and saw the completely empty room, it was kind of creepy but Cid shrugged it off.  
He looked up and down, left and right, over and under but found no secret door. "That &%$^! Cloud! He's tryin' to get me killed!", Cid said to himself.  
He leaned against the wall and fell through into a giant whirlpool of some white, sticky, liquid type substance. He landed safely on a raft. "Damn! That was one hellova ride!"  
Cid decided to relax while the raft worked it's way down. His hand accidently limped into the liquid but he instantly pulled it out. "EWW! This stuff feels strangely familiar..."  
He licked his hand,"Tastes a bit familiar to...could it be...?". He looked up and spread his arms out,"SPOOOOOOOOOGE!!!!!!"  
Cid fainted under the whole realization of what had just happend. He was in a whirlpool of man juice!  
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When Cid finally awoke, he saw Tifa staring down at him. "Are you okay, Cid?", she asked.  
Cid slowly got up, rubbing his head. "Well, besides having a gay dream, a mob of homophobes trying to kill me, and just being propelled by a whirlpool of man juice...I guess I'm okay."  
Elena, from the Turks, came up from behind a corner. "Is he okay, Tifa?", she asked. Tifa nodded,"Yeah."  
Cid raised a brow,"Wait a minute...what the hell're you doing here?". Tifa and Elena chuckled. "It's okay to be gay, Cid. We are!".  
Cid jumped up and stared wide eyed. "Wai-wai-wait. You can't be a lesbian! What about Cloud?!"  
Tifa chuckled,"Oh, I just needed to borrow his clothes and he gave me lessons on how to be more manly!"  
Cid scratched his head,"You took lessons to be more manly from CLOUD?! He wouldn't know manly if it raped him in prison!". Tifa shrugged,"I guess that's why Aeris wasn't attracted to me, oh well..."  
"Aeris was gay?", Cid asked. "No, I was trying to convert her.", Tifa responded.  
Cid headed toward the door and looked outside,"Hey...where the &$#^! are we?". "We're in Costa Del Sol...you'd be surprised at what a lesbionic place this is..."  
Cid nodded,"OOOOH! So that's why the girls weren't attracted to me! I can't believe I didn't know!". Tifa shook her head,"No, your just not very attractive."  
This comment made Cid angry,"HEY! I'm attractive! I'm the sexiest thing that ever walked this planet! Hot-diggity-DAMN I-AM-FIIIIIIINE!".  
Cid does the "I'm hot" manuver by licking his finger, putting it on his butt and making a 'tssssssss' noise.  
Tifa rolled her eyes,"Whatever you say Cid. But I KNOW I'm hot!". Elena smacks Tifa's butt,"I know too. C'mon sexy!"  
By this time, Cid was decently freaked out and ran out the front door to the beach. He stopped to catch his breath a few feet from a group of people and he could see them whispering and glancing at him. He didn't catch many of the words but he did hear,"Gay...whisper whisper...die...whisper whisper...KILL!!".  
Then, everyone took out machetes and other knives and started toward Cid. Shera popped out of the ground,"KILL! DIE! GAY! CID! ........WHISPER!".  
"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!", Cid ran as fast as he could but he didn't catch his breath earlier so he quickly ran out of energy near the mountains. He just stopped and waited for his horrible death when someone grabbed him and pulled him into a hidden cave.  
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"Wake up, silly buns!"  
Cid woke up in a very unfamiliar place and saw someone he never thought he'd see. Reno! And Rude was behind him, clad in just a towel. And it was around his head...even though he's bald.  
Cid tried to speak but was tied and gagged to a chair. He instantly knew what was going on and remember a film he saw recently called,"Pulp Fiction". His eyes grew wide and he wobbled around and screamed muffled screams and fell to the ground.  
Reno kissed Rude,"Good morning, sunshine! Did you sleep well?". Rude groaned,"Oh, I couldn't sleep a wink! I saw this movie with this really hot guy. I mean, what a piece of man candy!".  
"Was it me?", Reno asked gayly. "Of course, silly!", Rude responded. Reno slapped Rude and Cid on the butts. Much to Cid's dismay, he had fallen over with his face to the ground and his butt in the air, this made him EXTREMELY nervous.  
Rude looked at Reno,"Hey, have you ever seen that movie,"Pulp Fiction"? Bruce Willis is SOOOOOO hot!".  
"Hotter than me?"  
"No! Of course not! You are my one and only!".  
Cid managed to move the gag from his mouth with his tounge. "What're you gonna do with me?", he asked.  
The two turks looked ta each other,"Nothing, silly buns!". Cid made a confused look,"So...yer...._not_ gonna butt rape me?"  
Reno untied him and Cid got up. "No silly! We just wanted to save your cute little behind from those meanie-weenies!".  
Cid looked around. He was definetly in some sort of cave or passage, but it had been shaped into some sort of homosexual 'pleasure dome'. He didn't want to spend anymore time there. "Well, uhh...thanks fer uhh...savin' me but I uhh....gotta go...see ya!"  
It was pretty obvious where the exit/entrance was, it was painted pink and purple. Cid pushed the boulder aside and walked out as he heard loud grunting noises from inside the cave.  
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Cid made his way through the mountains with ease. He knew that Shera and her mob of homophobes had long since passed where he was, considering Reno and Rude said it was morning, and he was running in the afternoon.  
He saw Corel up ahead, which had now been rebuilt into an old fashioned Coal Mining town. As he entered he was greeted by two ambiguously gay men. He ignored it and headed toward Barret's house. Before he even knocked on the door, Barret opened it and said hello.  
Cid came in to see a small, one bedroom house, a living room, a bathroom, and a kitchen. Barret was about to speak again but Cid interrupted him,"I'm not gay, I just had a bad dream, now Shera is trying to kill me along with a mob of other homophobes. Oh, and by the way, Tifa's a lesbo and Reno & Rude are gay..."  
Barret tilted his head,"I was just gonna ask if you wanted some pork rinds. I'm about to watch my favorite movie...Teletubbies & Barney Meet the Swamp Man From the Planet Dooken-Dorsh! But, it's good to know yer not gay, I was startin' to get worried."  
"WHAT?!", Cid yelled. "The thought of me being gay ACTUALLY even crossed yer mind?! What would make you think _that?!"_  
Barret turned on the TV,"Well, let's just say I have.........visions".  
Cid walked to the side of the couch where Barret was sitting,"What kind of visions, Barret?".  
"You know, about you being gay."  
"Umm...if ya don't mind me asking, when do you have those dreams?"  
"When I'm sleeping."  
"Ooooooh boy..."  
"Everytime I have that dream my sheets get wet and sticky!"  
Cid backed away a little and Barret turned his head to him and said in a creepy tone,"Why don't you stay here tonight, Cid?"  
Cid threw his hands up in the air and screamed out all the way to Gold Saucer. As he was about to jump into the cart, he was ambushed from all sides by the Homophobe Mob. He looked back and forth yet found no means of escape. They all chanted the same thing,"GAY CID MUST DIE".  
He then saw the leader of the mob, Shera. "Why're you doing this, Shera? It was only a dream!".  
She shook her head,"No Cid. You say that now but eventually you'll ACTUALLY start turning around your sexuality...and we already have too many gay people to deal with! NOW DIE!".  
Just then, a mysterious man cam swinging from a rope and grabbed Cid. He let go and they both flew into the Gold Saucer cart. The cart lifted off and headed toward Gold Saucer.  
Cid looked to the mysterious man and saw that it was Cloud! "Hey! Thanks kid, you saved my life!".  
Cloud nodded,"Yeah, I couldn't erase the thought of you being chased by a mob out of my mind so I followed you."  
Cid thought he understood but remembered one thing,"What was with the spooge whirlpool?". Cloud shrugged,"I dunno, it's been there ever since I moved in, that's why the room was empty."  
As the cart continued toward the amusement park, Shera lit the oiled cords on fire, which was quickly on it's way toward Cid and Cloud. She snickered evily and she and her mob marched out of Corel.  
Back in the cart, Cid and Cloud were engaged in a conversation about ejaculation when they felt the wires above the cart snap. Cid looked up,"What's that?".  
Soon after, The wires snapped completely and flew toward the ground. Unfortunately for Shera and the mob, and came down and smashed most of them. The others ran screaming but were as well crushed by the rolling cart. Shera was the only one left and was pinned against a nearby mountain. The cart cam closer and closer until it finally reached her.  
Luckily for her, the cart's edge had rested on the mountain right above her. "Phew...", she 'said' with much relief.  
BANG! SLAM! SNAP! CRUSH! The cart slipped and fell on flat on Shera, giving her a slow and PAINFUL death.  
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Cid was staying over at Cloud's for a while before he went back to Rocket Town, all the residents of Rocket Town and Costa Del Sol were killed in the freak accident near Corel.  
Cid had suffered a small head wound and Cloud let him stay there until he felt better.  
He was sitting on a chair, watching the News about what had happend a few days before. He sighed a sigh of relief,"Thank God that's over......".  
Cloud cam up behind him and rubbed his shoulders,"Oh, I wouldn't say it's over quite yet.......SILLY BUNS!"  
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"AHHHHHHHHH!!! JESUS CHRIST!", Cid yelled out while in his bed. He ran into the bathroom and brushed his teeth over and over. He splashed water in his face and Shera came up behind him. "What's wrong honey?", she asked.  
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-The End!  


I hope you enjoyed this 'little' fic of mine.  
Just a note, every character (except Shera) I made fun of today was not because I didn't like them. I'm actually a fan of just about every FF7 character...I was simply just trying to make a funny fic. Thank you very much.  



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